ACT IV. SCENE I. Before OLIVIA'S house  Enter SEBASTIAN and CLOWN    CLOWN. Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?   SEBASTIAN. Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow; let me be clear     of thee.   CLOWN. Well held out, i' faith! No, I do not know you; nor I am not     sent to you by my lady, to bid you come speak with her; nor your     name is not Master Cesario; nor this is not my nose neither.     Nothing that is so is so.   SEBASTIAN. I prithee vent thy folly somewhere else.     Thou know'st not me.   CLOWN. Vent my folly! He has heard that word of some great man, and     now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly! I am afraid this great     lubber, the world, will prove a cockney. I prithee now, ungird     thy strangeness, and tell me what I shall vent to my lady. Shall     I vent to her that thou art coming?   SEBASTIAN. I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me;     There's money for thee; if you tarry longer     I shall give worse payment.   CLOWN. By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that     give fools money get themselves a good report after fourteen     years' purchase.               Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY, and FABIAN    AGUECHEEK. Now, sir, have I met you again?     [Striking SEBASTIAN] There's for you.   SEBASTIAN. Why, there's for thee, and there, and there.     Are all the people mad?   SIR TOBY. Hold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.                                              [Holding SEBASTIAN]   CLOWN. This will I tell my lady straight. I would not be in some of     your coats for two-pence.                               Exit   SIR TOBY. Come on, sir; hold.   AGUECHEEK. Nay, let him alone. I'll go another way to work with     him; I'll have an action of battery against him, if there be any     law in Illyria; though I struck him first, yet it's no matter for     that.   SEBASTIAN. Let go thy hand.   SIR TOBY. Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier,     put up your iron; you are well flesh'd. Come on.   SEBASTIAN. I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now?     If thou dar'st tempt me further, draw thy sword.     [Draws]   SIR TOBY. What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two of this     malapert blood from you. [Draws]                          Enter OLIVIA    OLIVIA. Hold, Toby; on thy life, I charge thee hold.   SIR TOBY. Madam!   OLIVIA. Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,     Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,     Where manners ne'er were preach'd! Out of my sight!     Be not offended, dear Cesario-     Rudesby, be gone!                          Exeunt SIR TOBY, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN     I prithee, gentle friend,     Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway     In this uncivil and unjust extent     Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,     And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks     This ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou thereby     Mayst smile at this. Thou shalt not choose but go;     Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me!     He started one poor heart of mine in thee.   SEBASTIAN. What relish is in this? How runs the stream?     Or I am mad, or else this is a dream.     Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;     If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!   OLIVIA. Nay, come, I prithee. Would thou'dst be rul'd by me!   SEBASTIAN. Madam, I will.   OLIVIA. O, say so, and so be!                           Exeunt     SCENE II. OLIVIA'S house  Enter MARIA and CLOWN    MARIA. Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him     believe thou art Sir Topas the curate; do it quickly. I'll call     Sir Toby the whilst.                                    Exit   CLOWN. Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in't; and     I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I     am not tall enough to become the function well nor lean enough to     be thought a good student; but to be said an honest man and a     good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a     great scholar. The competitors enter.                   Enter SIR TOBY and MARIA    SIR TOBY. Jove bless thee, Master Parson.   CLOWN. Bonos dies, Sir Toby; for as the old hermit of Prague, that     never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to niece of King     Gorboduc 'That that is is'; so I, being Master Parson, am Master     Parson; for what is 'that' but that, and 'is' but is?   SIR TOBY. To him, Sir Topas.   CLOWN. What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!   SIR TOBY. The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.   MALVOLIO. [Within] Who calls there?   CLOWN. Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the     lunatic.   MALVOLIO. Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.   CLOWN. Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this man!     Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?   SIR TOBY. Well said, Master Parson.   MALVOLIO. Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do     not think I am mad; they have laid me here in hideous darkness.   CLOWN. Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest     terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil     himself with courtesy. Say'st thou that house is dark?   MALVOLIO. As hell, Sir Topas.   CLOWN. Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the     clerestories toward the south north are as lustrous as ebony; and     yet complainest thou of obstruction?   MALVOLIO. I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this house is dark.   CLOWN. Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but     ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in     their fog.   MALVOLIO. I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though     ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man     thus abus'd. I am no more mad than you are; make the trial of it     in any constant question.   CLOWN. What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?   MALVOLIO. That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.   CLOWN. What think'st thou of his opinion?   MALVOLIO. I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his     opinion.   CLOWN. Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt    hold th' opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits; and     fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy     grandam. Fare thee well.   MALVOLIO. Sir Topas, Sir Topas!   SIR TOBY. My most exquisite Sir Topas!   CLOWN. Nay, I am for all waters.   MARIA. Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he     sees thee not.   SIR TOBY. To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou     find'st him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may     be conveniently deliver'd, I would he were; for I am now so far     in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety     this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.                                                  Exit with MARIA   CLOWN. [Sings] Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,     Tell me how thy lady does.   MALVOLIO. Fool!   CLOWN. [Sings] My lady is unkind, perdy.   MALVOLIO. Fool!   CLOWN. [Sings] Alas, why is she so?   MALVOLIO. Fool I say!   CLOWN. [Sings] She loves another- Who calls, ha?   MALVOLIO. Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand,     help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper; as I am a     gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't.   CLOWN. Master Malvolio?   MALVOLIO. Ay, good fool.   CLOWN. Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?   MALVOLIO. Fool, there was never man so notoriously abus'd;     I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.   CLOWN. But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in     your wits than a fool.   MALVOLIO. They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send     ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my     wits.   CLOWN. Advise you what. you say: the minister is here.     [Speaking as SIR TOPAS] Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!     Endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble.   MALVOLIO. Sir Topas!   CLOWN. Maintain no words with him, good fellow.- Who, I, sir? Not     I, sir. God buy you, good Sir Topas.- Marry, amen.- I will sir, I     will.   MALVOLIO. Fool, fool, fool, I say!   CLOWN. Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for     speaking to you.   MALVOLIO. Good fool, help me to some light and some paper.     I tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.   CLOWN. Well-a-day that you were, sir!   MALVOLIO. By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and     light; and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall     advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.   CLOWN. I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you not mad     indeed, or do you but counterfeit?   MALVOLIO. Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.   CLOWN. Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains.     I will fetch you light and paper and ink.   MALVOLIO. Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree; I prithe be     gone.   CLOWN. [Singing]                    I am gone, sir,                    And anon, sir,                  I'll be with you again,                    In a trice,                    Like to the old Vice,                  Your need to sustain;                   Who with dagger of lath,                  In his rage and his wrath,                    Cries, Ah, ha! to the devil,                  Like a mad lad,                  Pare thy nails, dad.                    Adieu, goodman devil.                    Exit     SCENE III. OLIVIA'S garden  Enter SEBASTIAN    SEBASTIAN. This is the air; that is the glorious sun;     This pearl she gave me, I do feel't and see't;     And though 'tis wonder that enwraps me thus,     Yet 'tis not madness. Where's Antonio, then?     I could not find him at the Elephant;     Yet there he was; and there I found this credit,     That he did range the town to seek me out.     His counsel now might do me golden service;     For though my soul disputes well with my sense     That this may be some error, but no madness,     Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune     So far exceed all instance, all discourse,     That I am ready to distrust mine eyes     And wrangle with my reason, that persuades me     To any other trust but that I am mad,     Or else the lady's mad; yet if 'twere so,     She could not sway her house, command her followers,     Take and give back affairs and their dispatch     With such a smooth, discreet, and stable bearing,     As I perceive she does. There's something in't     That is deceivable. But here the lady comes.                  Enter OLIVIA and PRIEST    OLIVIA. Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,     Now go with me and with this holy man     Into the chantry by; there, before him     And underneath that consecrated roof,     Plight me the fun assurance of your faith,     That my most jealous and too doubtful soul     May live at peace. He shall conceal it     Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,     What time we will our celebration keep     According to my birth. What do you say?   SEBASTIAN. I'll follow this good man, and go with you;     And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.   OLIVIA. Then lead the way, good father; and heavens so shine     That they may fairly note this act of mine!           Exeunt