ACT II. SCENE I. London. A street  Enter HOSTESS with two officers, FANG and SNARE    HOSTESS. Master Fang, have you ent'red the action?   FANG. It is ent'red.   HOSTESS. Where's your yeoman? Is't a lusty yeoman? Will 'a stand     to't?   FANG. Sirrah, where's Snare?   HOSTESS. O Lord, ay! good Master Snare.   SNARE. Here, here.   FANG. Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.   HOSTESS. Yea, good Master Snare; I have ent'red him and all.   SNARE. It may chance cost some of our lives, for he will stab.   HOSTESS. Alas the day! take heed of him; he stabb'd me in mine own     house, and that most beastly. In good faith, 'a cares not what     mischief he does, if his weapon be out; he will foin like any     devil; he will spare neither man, woman, nor child.   FANG. If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.   HOSTESS. No, nor I neither; I'll be at your elbow.   FANG. An I but fist him once; an 'a come but within my vice!   HOSTESS. I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he's an     infinitive thing upon my score. Good Master Fang, hold him sure.     Good Master Snare, let him not scape. 'A comes continuantly to     Pie-corner- saving your manhoods- to buy a saddle; and he is     indited to dinner to the Lubber's Head in Lumbert Street, to     Master Smooth's the silkman. I pray you, since my exion is     ent'red, and my case so openly known to the world, let him be     brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long one for a poor     lone woman to bear; and I have borne, and borne, and borne; and     have been fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, from this     day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There is no     honesty in such dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass and     a beast, to bear every knave's wrong.              Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, PAGE, and BARDOLPH      Yonder he comes; and that arrant malmsey-nose knave, Bardolph,     with him. Do your offices, do your offices, Master Fang and     Master Snare; do me, do me, do me your offices.   FALSTAFF. How now! whose mare's dead? What's the matter?   FANG. Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.   FALSTAFF. Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph. Cut me off the villian's     head. Throw the quean in the channel.   HOSTESS. Throw me in the channel! I'll throw thee in the channel.     Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly rogue! Murder, murder! Ah,     thou honeysuckle villain! wilt thou kill God's officers and the     King's? Ah, thou honey-seed rogue! thou art a honey-seed; a     man-queller and a woman-queller.   FALSTAFF. Keep them off, Bardolph.   FANG. A rescue! a rescue!   HOSTESS. Good people, bring a rescue or two. Thou wot, wot thou!     thou wot, wot ta? Do, do, thou rogue! do, thou hemp-seed!   PAGE. Away, you scullion! you rampallian! you fustilarian!     I'll tickle your catastrophe.                Enter the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE and his men    CHIEF JUSTICE. What is the matter? Keep the peace here, ho!   HOSTESS. Good my lord, be good to me. I beseech you, stand to me.   CHIEF JUSTICE. How now, Sir John! what, are you brawling here?     Doth this become your place, your time, and business?     You should have been well on your way to York.     Stand from him, fellow; wherefore hang'st thou upon him?   HOSTESS. O My most worshipful lord, an't please your Grace, I am a     poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.   CHIEF JUSTICE. For what sum?   HOSTESS. It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all- all I     have. He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all my     substance into that fat belly of his. But I will have some of it     out again, or I will ride thee a nights like a mare.   FALSTAFF. I think I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any     vantage of ground to get up.   CHIEF JUSTICE. How comes this, Sir John? Fie! What man of good     temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not     ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come by     her own?   FALSTAFF. What is the gross sum that I owe thee?   HOSTESS. Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and the money     too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet, sitting in     my Dolphin chamber, at the round table, by a sea-coal fire, upon     Wednesday in Wheeson week, when the Prince broke thy head for     liking his father to singing-man of Windsor- thou didst swear to     me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me and make me my     lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, the     butcher's wife, come in then and call me gossip Quickly? Coming     in to borrow a mess of vinegar, telling us she had a good dish of     prawns, whereby thou didst desire to eat some, whereby I told     thee they were ill for green wound? And didst thou not, when she     was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity with     such poor people, saying that ere long they should call me madam?     And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch the thirty     shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath. Deny it, if thou     canst.   FALSTAFF. My lord, this is a poor mad soul, and she says up and     down the town that her eldest son is like you. She hath been in     good case, and, the truth is, poverty hath distracted her. But     for these foolish officers, I beseech you I may have redress     against them.   CHIEF JUSTICE. Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with your     manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is not a     confident brow, nor the throng of words that come with such more     than impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level     consideration. You have, as it appears to me, practis'd upon the     easy yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your uses     both in purse and in person.   HOSTESS. Yea, in truth, my lord.   CHIEF JUSTICE. Pray thee, peace. Pay her the debt you owe her, and     unpay the villainy you have done with her; the one you may do     with sterling money, and the other with current repentance.   FALSTAFF. My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply. You     call honourable boldness impudent sauciness; if a man will make     curtsy and say nothing, he is virtuous. No, my lord, my humble     duty rememb'red, I will not be your suitor. I say to you I do     desire deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty     employment in the King's affairs.   CHIEF JUSTICE. You speak as having power to do wrong; but answer in     th' effect of your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman.   FALSTAFF. Come hither, hostess.                                 Enter GOWER    CHIEF JUSTICE. Now, Master Gower, what news?   GOWER. The King, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales     Are near at hand. The rest the paper tells. [Gives a letter]   FALSTAFF. As I am a gentleman!   HOSTESS. Faith, you said so before.   FALSTAFF. As I am a gentleman! Come, no more words of it.   HOSTESS. By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain to pawn     both my plate and the tapestry of my dining-chambers.   FALSTAFF. Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking; and for thy     walls, a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the Prodigal, or     the German hunting, in water-work, is worth a thousand of these     bed-hangers and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound,     if thou canst. Come, and 'twere not for thy humours, there's not     a better wench in England. Go, wash thy face, and draw the     action. Come, thou must not be in this humour with me; dost not     know me? Come, come, I know thou wast set on to this.   HOSTESS. Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty nobles;     i' faith, I am loath to pawn my plate, so God save me, la!   FALSTAFF. Let it alone; I'll make other shift. You'll be a fool     still.   HOSTESS. Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my gown.     I hope you'll come to supper. you'll pay me all together?   FALSTAFF. Will I live?  [To BARDOLPH]  Go, with her, with her; hook     on, hook on.   HOSTESS. Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at supper?   FALSTAFF. No more words; let's have her.                           Exeunt HOSTESS, BARDOLPH, and OFFICERS   CHIEF JUSTICE. I have heard better news.   FALSTAFF. What's the news, my lord?   CHIEF JUSTICE. Where lay the King to-night?   GOWER. At Basingstoke, my lord.   FALSTAFF. I hope, my lord, all's well. What is the news, my lord?   CHIEF JUSTICE. Come all his forces back?   GOWER. No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse,     Are march'd up to my Lord of Lancaster,     Against Northumberland and the Archbishop.   FALSTAFF. Comes the King back from Wales, my noble lord?   CHIEF JUSTICE. You shall have letters of me presently.     Come, go along with me, good Master Gower.   FALSTAFF. My lord!   CHIEF JUSTICE. What's the matter?   FALSTAFF. Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner?   GOWER. I must wait upon my good lord here, I thank you, good Sir     John.   CHIEF JUSTICE. Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you are to     take soldiers up in counties as you go.   FALSTAFF. Will you sup with me, Master Gower?   CHIEF JUSTICE. What foolish master taught you these manners, Sir     John?   FALSTAFF. Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool that     taught them me. This is the right fencing grace, my lord; tap for     tap, and so part fair.   CHIEF JUSTICE. Now, the Lord lighten thee! Thou art a great fool.                                                           Exeunt     SCENE II. London. Another street  Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS    PRINCE. Before God, I am exceeding weary.   POINS. Is't come to that? I had thought weariness durst not have     attach'd one of so high blood.   PRINCE. Faith, it does me; though it discolours the complexion of     my greatness to acknowledge it. Doth it not show vilely in me to     desire small beer?   POINS. Why, a prince should not be so loosely studied as to     remember so weak a composition.   PRINCE. Belike then my appetite was not-princely got; for, by my     troth, I do now remember the poor creature, small beer. But     indeed these humble considerations make me out of love with my     greatness. What a disgrace is it to me to remember thy name, or     to know thy face to-morrow, or to take note how many pair of silk     stockings thou hast- viz., these, and those that were thy     peach-colour'd ones- or to bear the inventory of thy shirts- as,     one for superfluity, and another for use! But that the     tennis-court-keeper knows better than I; for it is a low ebb of     linen with thee when thou keepest not racket there; as thou hast     not done a great while, because the rest of thy low countries     have made a shift to eat up thy holland. And God knows whether     those that bawl out of the ruins of thy linen shall inherit his     kingdom; but the midwives say the children are not in the fault;     whereupon the world increases, and kindreds are mightily     strengthened.   POINS. How ill it follows, after you have laboured so hard, you     should talk so idly! Tell me, how many good young princes would     do so, their fathers being so sick as yours at this time is?   PRINCE. Shall I tell thee one thing, Poins?   POINS. Yes, faith; and let it be an excellent good thing.   PRINCE. It shall serve among wits of no higher breeding than thine.   POINS. Go to; I stand the push of your one thing that you will     tell.   PRINCE. Marry, I tell thee it is not meet that I should be sad, now     my father is sick; albeit I could tell to thee- as to one it     pleases me, for fault of a better, to call my friend- I could be     sad and sad indeed too.   POINS. Very hardly upon such a subject.   PRINCE. By this hand, thou thinkest me as far in the devil's book     as thou and Falstaff for obduracy and persistency: let the end     try the man. But I tell thee my heart bleeds inwardly that my     father is so sick; and keeping such vile company as thou art hath     in reason taken from me all ostentation of sorrow.   POINS. The reason?   PRINCE. What wouldst thou think of me if I should weep?   POINS. I would think thee a most princely hypocrite.   PRINCE. It would be every man's thought; and thou art a blessed     fellow to think as every man thinks. Never a man's thought in the     world keeps the road-way better than thine. Every man would think     me an hypocrite indeed. And what accites your most worshipful     thought to think so?   POINS. Why, because you have been so lewd and so much engraffed to     Falstaff.   PRINCE. And to thee.   POINS. By this light, I am well spoke on; I can hear it with mine     own ears. The worst that they can say of me is that I am a second     brother and that I am a proper fellow of my hands; and those two     things, I confess, I cannot help. By the mass, here comes     Bardolph.                           Enter BARDOLPH and PAGE    PRINCE. And the boy that I gave Falstaff. 'A had him from me     Christian; and look if the fat villain have not transform'd him     ape.   BARDOLPH. God save your Grace!   PRINCE. And yours, most noble Bardolph!   POINS. Come, you virtuous ass, you bashful fool, must you be     blushing? Wherefore blush you now? What a maidenly man-at-arms     are you become! Is't such a matter to get a pottle-pot's     maidenhead?   PAGE. 'A calls me e'en now, my lord, through a red lattice, and I     could discern no part of his face from the window. At last I     spied his eyes; and methought he had made two holes in the     alewife's new petticoat, and so peep'd through.   PRINCE. Has not the boy profited?   BARDOLPH. Away, you whoreson upright rabbit, away!   PAGE. Away, you rascally Althaea's dream, away!   PRINCE. Instruct us, boy; what dream, boy?   PAGE. Marry, my lord, Althaea dreamt she was delivered of a     firebrand; and therefore I call him her dream.   PRINCE. A crown's worth of good interpretation. There 'tis, boy.                                                 [Giving a crown]   POINS. O that this blossom could be kept from cankers!     Well, there is sixpence to preserve thee.   BARDOLPH. An you do not make him be hang'd among you, the gallows     shall have wrong.   PRINCE. And how doth thy master, Bardolph?   BARDOLPH. Well, my lord. He heard of your Grace's coming to town.     There's a letter for you.   POINS. Deliver'd with good respect. And how doth the martlemas,     your master?   BARDOLPH. In bodily health, sir.   POINS. Marry, the immortal part needs a physician; but that moves     not him. Though that be sick, it dies not.   PRINCE. I do allow this well to be as familiar with me as my dog;     and he holds his place, for look you how he writes.   POINS.  [Reads]  'John Falstaff, knight'- Every man must know that     as oft as he has occasion to name himself, even like those that     are kin to the King; for they never prick their finger but they     say 'There's some of the King's blood spilt.' 'How comes that?'     says he that takes upon him not to conceive. The answer is as     ready as a borrower's cap: 'I am the King's poor cousin, sir.'   PRINCE. Nay, they will be kin to us, or they will fetch it from     Japhet. But the letter:  [Reads]  'Sir John Falstaff, knight, to     the son of the King nearest his father, Harry Prince of Wales,     greeting.'   POINS. Why, this is a certificate.   PRINCE. Peace!  [Reads]  'I will imitate the honourable Romans in     brevity.'-   POINS. He sure means brevity in breath, short-winded.   PRINCE.  [Reads]  'I commend me to thee, I commend thee, and I     leave thee. Be not too familiar with Poins; for he misuses thy     favours so much that he swears thou art to marry his sister Nell.     Repent at idle times as thou mayst, and so farewell.       Thine, by yea and no- which is as much as to say as         thou usest him- JACK FALSTAFF with my familiars,         JOHN with my brothers and sisters, and SIR JOHN with         all Europe.'   POINS. My lord, I'll steep this letter in sack and make him eat it.   PRINCE. That's to make him eat twenty of his words. But do you use     me thus, Ned? Must I marry your sister?   POINS. God send the wench no worse fortune! But I never said so.   PRINCE. Well, thus we play the fools with the time, and the spirits     of the wise sit in the clouds and mock us. Is your master here in     London?   BARDOLPH. Yea, my lord.   PRINCE. Where sups he? Doth the old boar feed in the old frank?   BARDOLPH. At the old place, my lord, in Eastcheap.   PRINCE. What company?   PAGE. Ephesians, my lord, of the old church.   PRINCE. Sup any women with him?   PAGE. None, my lord, but old Mistress Quickly and Mistress Doll     Tearsheet.   PRINCE. What pagan may that be?   PAGE. A proper gentlewoman, sir, and a kinswoman of my master's.   PRINCE. Even such kin as the parish heifers are to the town bull.     Shall we steal upon them, Ned, at supper?   POINS. I am your shadow, my lord; I'll follow you.   PRINCE. Sirrah, you boy, and Bardolph, no word to your master that     I am yet come to town. There's for your silence.   BARDOLPH. I have no tongue, sir.   PAGE. And for mine, sir, I will govern it.   PRINCE. Fare you well; go.            Exeunt BARDOLPH and PAGE     This Doll Tearsheet should be some road.   POINS. I warrant you, as common as the way between Saint Albans and     London.   PRINCE. How might we see Falstaff bestow himself to-night in his     true colours, and not ourselves be seen?   POINS. Put on two leathern jerkins and aprons, and wait upon him at     his table as drawers.   PRINCE. From a god to a bull? A heavy descension! It was Jove's     case. From a prince to a prentice? A low transformation! That     shall be mine; for in everything the purpose must weigh with the     folly. Follow me, Ned.                                                           Exeunt     SCENE III. Warkworth. Before the castle  Enter NORTHUMBERLAND, LADY NORTHUMBERLAND, and LADY PERCY    NORTHUMBERLAND. I pray thee, loving wife, and gentle daughter,     Give even way unto my rough affairs;     Put not you on the visage of the times     And be, like them, to Percy troublesome.   LADY NORTHUMBERLAND. I have given over, I will speak no more.     Do what you will; your wisdom be your guide.   NORTHUMBERLAND. Alas, sweet wife, my honour is at pawn;     And but my going nothing can redeem it.   LADY PERCY. O, yet, for God's sake, go not to these wars!     The time was, father, that you broke your word,     When you were more endear'd to it than now;     When your own Percy, when my heart's dear Harry,     Threw many a northward look to see his father     Bring up his powers; but he did long in vain.     Who then persuaded you to stay at home?     There were two honours lost, yours and your son's.     For yours, the God of heaven brighten it!     For his, it stuck upon him as the sun     In the grey vault of heaven; and by his light     Did all the chivalry of England move     To do brave acts. He was indeed the glass     Wherein the noble youth did dress themselves.     He had no legs that practis'd not his gait;     And speaking thick, which nature made his blemish,     Became the accents of the valiant;     For those who could speak low and tardily     Would turn their own perfection to abuse     To seem like him: so that in speech, in gait,     In diet, in affections of delight,     In military rules, humours of blood,     He was the mark and glass, copy and book,     That fashion'd others. And him- O wondrous him!     O miracle of men!- him did you leave-     Second to none, unseconded by you-     To look upon the hideous god of war     In disadvantage, to abide a field     Where nothing but the sound of Hotspur's name     Did seem defensible. So you left him.     Never, O never, do his ghost the wrong     To hold your honour more precise and nice     With others than with him! Let them alone.     The Marshal and the Archbishop are strong.     Had my sweet Harry had but half their numbers,     To-day might I, hanging on Hotspur's neck,     Have talk'd of Monmouth's grave.   NORTHUMBERLAND. Beshrew your heart,     Fair daughter, you do draw my spirits from me     With new lamenting ancient oversights.     But I must go and meet with danger there,     Or it will seek me in another place,     And find me worse provided.   LADY NORTHUMBERLAND. O, fly to Scotland     Till that the nobles and the armed commons     Have of their puissance made a little taste.   LADY PERCY. If they get ground and vantage of the King,     Then join you with them, like a rib of steel,     To make strength stronger; but, for all our loves,     First let them try themselves. So did your son;     He was so suff'red; so came I a widow;     And never shall have length of life enough     To rain upon remembrance with mine eyes,     That it may grow and sprout as high as heaven,     For recordation to my noble husband.   NORTHUMBERLAND. Come, come, go in with me. 'Tis with my mind     As with the tide swell'd up unto his height,     That makes a still-stand, running neither way.     Fain would I go to meet the Archbishop,     But many thousand reasons hold me back.     I will resolve for Scotland. There am I,     Till time and vantage crave my company.               Exeunt     SCENE IV. London. The Boar's Head Tavern in Eastcheap  Enter FRANCIS and another DRAWER    FRANCIS. What the devil hast thou brought there-apple-johns? Thou     knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.   SECOND DRAWER. Mass, thou say'st true. The Prince once set a dish     of apple-johns before him, and told him there were five more Sir     Johns; and, putting off his hat, said 'I will now take my leave     of these six dry, round, old, withered knights.' It ang'red him     to the heart; but he hath forgot that.   FRANCIS. Why, then, cover and set them down; and see if thou canst     find out Sneak's noise; Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear some     music.                          Enter third DRAWER    THIRD DRAWER. Dispatch! The room where they supp'd is too hot;     they'll come in straight.   FRANCIS. Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master Poins anon; and     they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons; and Sir John must     not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word.   THIRD DRAWER. By the mass, here will be old uds; it will be an     excellent stratagem.   SECOND DRAWER. I'll see if I can find out Sneak.                                  Exeunt second and third DRAWERS                  Enter HOSTESS and DOLL TEARSHEET    HOSTESS. I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an excellent     good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart     would desire; and your colour, I warrant you, is as red as any     rose, in good truth, la! But, i' faith, you have drunk too much     canaries; and that's a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes     the blood ere one can say 'What's this?' How do you now?   DOLL. Better than I was- hem.   HOSTESS. Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold.     Lo, here comes Sir John.                            Enter FALSTAFF    FALSTAFF.  [Singing]  'When Arthur first in court'- Empty the     jordan.  [Exit FRANCIS]- [Singing]  'And was a worthy king'- How     now, Mistress Doll!   HOSTESS. Sick of a calm; yea, good faith.   FALSTAFF. So is all her sect; and they be once in a calm, they are     sick.   DOLL. A pox damn you, you muddy rascal! Is that all the comfort you     give me?   FALSTAFF. You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.   DOLL. I make them! Gluttony and diseases make them: I make them     not.   FALSTAFF. If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make     the diseases, Doll. We catch of you, Doll, we catch of you; grant     that, my poor virtue, grant that.   DOLL. Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.   FALSTAFF. 'Your brooches, pearls, and ouches.' For to serve bravely     is to come halting off; you know, to come off the breach with his     pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon the     charg'd chambers bravely-   DOLL. Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!   HOSTESS. By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never meet     but you fall to some discord. You are both, i' good truth, as     rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with another's     confirmities. What the good-year! one must bear, and that must be     you. You are the weaker vessel, as as they say, the emptier     vessel.   DOLL. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogs-head?     There's a whole merchant's venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him; you     have not seen a hulk better stuff'd in the hold. Come, I'll be     friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the wars; and whether     I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares.                              Re-enter FRANCIS    FRANCIS. Sir, Ancient Pistol's below and would speak with you.   DOLL. Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither; it is     the foul-mouth'dst rogue in England.   HOSTESS. If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith! I     must live among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers. I am in good     name and fame with the very best. Shut the door. There comes no     swaggerers here; I have not liv'd all this while to have     swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.   FALSTAFF. Dost thou hear, hostess?   HOSTESS. Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John; there comes no     swaggerers here.   FALSTAFF. Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.   HOSTESS. Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me; and your ancient     swagg'rer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick, the     debuty, t' other day; and, as he said to me- 'twas no longer ago     than Wednesday last, i' good faith!- 'Neighbour Quickly,' says     he- Master Dumbe, our minister, was by then- 'Neighbour Quickly,'     says he 'receive those that are civil, for' said he 'you are in     an ill name.' Now 'a said so, I can tell whereupon. 'For' says he     'you are an honest woman and well thought on, therefore take heed     what guests you receive. Receive' says he 'no swaggering     companions.' There comes none here. You would bless you to hear     what he said. No, I'll no swagg'rers.   FALSTAFF. He's no swagg'rer, hostess; a tame cheater, i' faith; you     may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He'll not swagger     with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of     resistance. Call him up, drawer.                                                     Exit FRANCIS   HOSTESS. Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my house,     nor no cheater; but I do not love swaggering, by my troth. I am     the worse when one says 'swagger.' Feel, masters, how I shake;     look you, I warrant you.   DOLL. So you do, hostess.   HOSTESS. Do I? Yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspen leaf. I     cannot abide swagg'rers.                     Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and PAGE    PISTOL. God save you, Sir John!   FALSTAFF. Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with     a cup of sack; do you discharge upon mine hostess.   PISTOL. I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.   FALSTAFF. She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall not hardly offend     her.   HOSTESS. Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets. I'll drink no     more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I.   PISTOL. Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.   DOLL. Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor,     base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy     rogue, away! I am meat for your master.   PISTOL. I know you, Mistress Dorothy.   DOLL. Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! By this     wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play the     saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you     basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir?     God's light, with two points on your shoulder? Much!   PISTOL. God let me not live but I will murder your ruff for this.   FALSTAFF. No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here.     Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.   HOSTESS. No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.   DOLL. Captain! Thou abominable damn'd cheater, art thou not ashamed     to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would     truncheon you out, for taking their names upon you before you     have earn'd them. You a captain! you slave, for what? For tearing     a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain! hang him,     rogue! He lives upon mouldy stew'd prunes and dried cakes. A     captain! God's light, these villains will make the word as odious     as the word 'occupy'; which was an excellent good word before it     was ill sorted. Therefore captains had need look to't.   BARDOLPH. Pray thee go down, good ancient.   FALSTAFF. Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.   PISTOL. Not I! I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear     her; I'll be reveng'd of her.   PAGE. Pray thee go down.   PISTOL. I'll see her damn'd first; to Pluto's damn'd lake, by this     hand, to th' infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures vile also.     Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! down, faitors! Have     we not Hiren here?   HOSTESS. Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i' faith; I     beseek you now, aggravate your choler.   PISTOL. These be good humours, indeed! Shall packhorses,     And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia,     Which cannot go but thirty mile a day,     Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals,     And Troiant Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with     King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.     Shall we fall foul for toys?   HOSTESS. By my troth, Captain, these are very bitter words.   BARDOLPH. Be gone, good ancient; this will grow to a brawl anon.   PISTOL. Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have we not Hiren     here?   HOSTESS. O' my word, Captain, there's none such here. What the     good-year! do you think I would deny her? For God's sake, be     quiet.   PISTOL. Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis.     Come, give's some sack.     'Si fortune me tormente sperato me contento.'     Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire.     Give me some sack; and, sweetheart, lie thou there.                                          [Laying down his sword]     Come we to full points here, and are etceteras nothings?   FALSTAFF. Pistol, I would be quiet.   PISTOL. Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What! we have seen the seven     stars.   DOLL. For God's sake thrust him down stairs; I cannot endure such a     fustian rascal.   PISTOL. Thrust him down stairs! Know we not Galloway nags?   FALSTAFF. Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling.     Nay, an 'a do nothing but speak nothing, 'a shall be nothing     here.   BARDOLPH. Come, get you down stairs.   PISTOL. What! shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue?                                         [Snatching up his sword]     Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!     Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds     Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!   HOSTESS. Here's goodly stuff toward!   FALSTAFF. Give me my rapier, boy.   DOLL. I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw.   FALSTAFF. Get you down stairs.                                 [Drawing and driving PISTOL out]   HOSTESS. Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping house afore     I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So; murder, I warrant now.     Alas, alas! put up your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons.                                       Exeunt PISTOL and BARDOLPH   DOLL. I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone. Ah, you     whoreson little valiant villain, you!   HOSTESS. Are you not hurt i' th' groin? Methought 'a made a shrewd     thrust at your belly.                          Re-enter BARDOLPH    FALSTAFF. Have you turn'd him out a doors?   BARDOLPH. Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk. You have hurt him, sir, i'     th' shoulder.   FALSTAFF. A rascal! to brave me!   DOLL. Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape, how thou     sweat'st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you whoreson     chops. Ah, rogue! i' faith, I love thee. Thou art as valorous as     Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better     than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!   FALSTAFF. A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.   DOLL. Do, an thou dar'st for thy heart. An thou dost, I'll canvass     thee between a pair of sheets.                            Enter musicians    PAGE. The music is come, sir.   FALSTAFF. Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Don. A rascal     bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quick-silver.   DOLL. I' faith, and thou follow'dst him like a church. Thou     whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou leave     fighting a days and foining a nights, and begin to patch up thine     old body for heaven?         Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS disguised as drawers    FALSTAFF. Peace, good Doll! Do not speak like a death's-head; do     not bid me remember mine end.   DOLL. Sirrah, what humour's the Prince of?   FALSTAFF. A good shallow young fellow. 'A would have made a good     pantler; 'a would ha' chipp'd bread well.   DOLL. They say Poins has a good wit.   FALSTAFF. He a good wit! hang him, baboon! His wit's as thick as     Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him than is in a     mallet.   DOLL. Why does the Prince love him so, then?   FALSTAFF. Because their legs are both of a bigness, and 'a plays at     quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off candles'     ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild mare with the boys, and     jumps upon join'd-stools, and swears with a good grace, and wears     his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of the Leg, and breeds     no bate with telling of discreet stories; and such other gambol     faculties 'a has, that show a weak mind and an able body, for the     which the Prince admits him. For the Prince himself is such     another; the weight of a hair will turn the scales between their     avoirdupois.   PRINCE. Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?   POINS. Let's beat him before his whore.   PRINCE. Look whe'er the wither'd elder hath not his poll claw'd     like a parrot.   POINS. Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive     performance?   FALSTAFF. Kiss me, Doll.   PRINCE. Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! What says th'     almanac to that?   POINS. And look whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not lisping     to his master's old tables, his note-book, his counsel-keeper.   FALSTAFF. Thou dost give me flattering busses.   DOLL. By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.   FALSTAFF. I am old, I am old.   DOLL. I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of     them all.   FALSTAFF. What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive money a     Thursday. Shalt have a cap to-morrow. A merry song, come. 'A     grows late; we'll to bed. Thou't forget me when I am gone.   DOLL. By my troth, thou't set me a-weeping, an thou say'st so.     Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return. Well,     hearken a' th' end.   FALSTAFF. Some sack, Francis.   PRINCE & POINS. Anon, anon, sir.                   [Advancing]   FALSTAFF. Ha! a bastard son of the King's? And art thou not Poins     his brother?   PRINCE. Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost thou     lead!   FALSTAFF. A better than thou. I am a gentleman: thou art a drawer.   PRINCE. Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears.   HOSTESS. O, the Lord preserve thy Grace! By my troth, welcome to     London. Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine. O Jesu, are     you come from Wales?   FALSTAFF. Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light     flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.                                     [Leaning his band upon DOLL]   DOLL. How, you fat fool! I scorn you.   POINS. My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turn all     to a merriment, if you take not the heat.   PRINCE. YOU whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you speak of     me even now before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!   HOSTESS. God's blessing of your good heart! and so she is, by my     troth.   FALSTAFF. Didst thou hear me?   PRINCE. Yea; and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by     Gadshill. You knew I was at your back, and spoke it on purpose to     try my patience.   FALSTAFF. No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within     hearing.   PRINCE. I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse, and     then I know how to handle you.   FALSTAFF. No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour; no abuse.   PRINCE. Not- to dispraise me, and call me pander, and     bread-chipper, and I know not what!   FALSTAFF. No abuse, Hal.   POINS. No abuse!   FALSTAFF. No abuse, Ned, i' th' world; honest Ned, none. I     disprais'd him before the wicked- that the wicked might not fall     in love with thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a     careful friend and a true subject; and thy father is to give me     thanks for it. No abuse, Hal; none, Ned, none; no, faith, boys,     none.   PRINCE. See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not     make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us? Is     she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the wicked? Or is thy     boy of the wicked? Or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his     nose, of the wicked?   POINS. Answer, thou dead elm, answer.   FALSTAFF. The fiend hath prick'd down Bardolph irrecoverable; and     his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth nothing but     roast malt-worms. For the boy- there is a good angel about him;     but the devil outbids him too.   PRINCE. For the women?   FALSTAFF. For one of them- she's in hell already, and burns poor     souls. For th' other- I owe her money; and whether she be damn'd     for that, I know not.   HOSTESS. No, I warrant you.   FALSTAFF. No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for that.     Marry, there is another indictment upon thee for suffering flesh     to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law; for the which I     think thou wilt howl.   HOSTESS. All vict'lers do so. What's a joint of mutton or two in a     whole Lent?   PRINCE. You, gentlewoman-   DOLL. What says your Grace?   FALSTAFF. His Grace says that which his flesh rebels against.                                                [Knocking within]   HOSTESS. Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th' door there,     Francis.                                Enter PETO    PRINCE. Peto, how now! What news?   PETO. The King your father is at Westminster;     And there are twenty weak and wearied posts     Come from the north; and as I came along     I met and overtook a dozen captains,     Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns,     And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.   PRINCE. By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame     So idly to profane the precious time,     When tempest of commotion, like the south,     Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt     And drop upon our bare unarmed heads.     Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.                          Exeunt PRINCE, POINS, PETO, and BARDOLPH    FALSTAFF. Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we     must hence, and leave it unpick'd.  [Knocking within]  More     knocking at the door!                        Re-enter BARDOLPH      How now! What's the matter?   BARDOLPH. You must away to court, sir, presently;     A dozen captains stay at door for you.   FALSTAFF.  [To the PAGE]. Pay the musicians, sirrah.- Farewell,     hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of     merit are sought after; the undeserver may sleep, when the man of     action is call'd on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent     away post, I will see you again ere I go.   DOLL. I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burst!     Well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.   FALSTAFF. Farewell, farewell.                                     Exeunt FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH   HOSTESS. Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these twenty-nine     years, come peascod-time; but an honester and truer-hearted man     -well fare thee well.   BARDOLPH.  [ Within]  Mistress Tearsheet!   HOSTESS. What's the matter?   BARDOLPH.  [ Within]  Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.   HOSTESS. O, run Doll, run, run, good Come.  [To BARDOLPH]  She     comes blubber'd.- Yea, will you come, Doll?           Exeunt