ACT V. SCENE 1.  The Garter Inn  Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS QUICKLY    FALSTAFF. Prithee, no more prattling; go. I'll, hold. This is     the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers.     Away, go; they say there is divinity in odd numbers, either     in nativity, chance, or death. Away.   QUICKLY. I'll provide you a chain, and I'll do what I can to     get you a pair of horns.   FALSTAFF. Away, I say; time wears; hold up your head, and     mince.                                     Exit MRS. QUICKLY                   Enter FORD disguised      How now, Master Brook. Master Brook, the matter will     be known tonight or never. Be you in the Park about     midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall see wonders.   FORD. Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me     you had appointed?   FALSTAFF. I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a     poor old man; but I came from her, Master Brook, like a     poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband, hath     the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master Brook, that     ever govern'd frenzy. I will tell you-he beat me grievously     in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man, Master     Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver's beam; because     I know also life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with     me; I'll. tell you all, Master Brook. Since I pluck'd geese,     play'd truant, and whipp'd top, I knew not what 'twas to     be beaten till lately. Follow me. I'll tell you strange things     of this knave-Ford, on whom to-night I will be revenged,     and I will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange     things in hand, Master Brook! Follow.                 Exeunt     SCENE 2.  Windsor Park  Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER    PAGE. Come, come; we'll couch i' th' Castle ditch till we     see the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender, my daughter.   SLENDER. Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her, and we have     a nay-word how to know one another. I come to her in     white and cry 'mum'; she cries 'budget,' and by that we     know one another.   SHALLOW. That's good too; but what needs either your mum     or her budget? The white will decipher her well enough.     It hath struck ten o'clock.   PAGE. The night is dark; light and spirits will become it well.     Heaven prosper our sport! No man means evil but the     devil, and we shall know him by his horns. Let's away;     follow me.                                            Exeunt     SCENE 3.  A street leading to the Park  Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and DOCTOR CAIUS    MRS. PAGE. Master Doctor, my daughter is in green; when     you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her to     the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before into the     Park; we two must go together.   CAIUS. I know vat I have to do; adieu.   MRS. PAGE. Fare you well, sir.  [Exit CAIUS]  My husband     will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff as he will     chafe at the doctor's marrying my daughter; but 'tis no     matter; better a little chiding than a great deal of     heartbreak.   MRS. FORD. Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies, and     the Welsh devil, Hugh?   MRS. PAGE. They are all couch'd in a pit hard by Heme's     oak, with obscur'd lights; which, at the very instant of     Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at once display to the     night.   MRS. FORD. That cannot choose but amaze him.   MRS. PAGE. If he be not amaz'd, he will be mock'd; if he be     amaz'd, he will every way be mock'd.   MRS. FORD. We'll betray him finely.   MRS. PAGE. Against such lewdsters and their lechery,     Those that betray them do no treachery.   MRS. FORD. The hour draws on. To the oak, to the oak!                                                           Exeunt     SCENE 4.  Windsor Park  Enter SIR HUGH EVANS like a satyr, with OTHERS as fairies    EVANS. Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember your parts.     Be pold, I pray you; follow me into the pit; and when I     give the watch-ords, do as I pid you. Come, come; trib,     trib.                                                 Exeunt     SCENE 5.  Another part of the Park  Enter FALSTAFF disguised as HERNE    FALSTAFF. The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute     draws on. Now the hot-blooded gods assist me!     Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love set on thy     horns. O powerful love! that in some respects makes a     beast a man; in some other a man a beast. You were also,     Jupiter, a swan, for the love of Leda. O omnipotent love!     how near the god drew to the complexion of a goose! A     fault done first in the form of a beast-O Jove, a beastly     fault!-and then another fault in the semblance of a fowl-     think on't, Jove, a foul fault! When gods have hot backs     what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor     stag; and the fattest, I think, i' th' forest. Send me a cool     rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow?     Who comes here? my doe?          Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE    MRS. FORD. Sir John! Art thou there, my deer, my male deer.   FALSTAFF. My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain     potatoes; let it thunder to the tune of Greensleeves, hail     kissing-comfits, and snow eringoes; let there come a tempest     of provocation, I will shelter me here.      [Embracing her]   MRS. FORD. Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.   FALSTAFF. Divide me like a brib'd buck, each a haunch; I     will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow     of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands. Am     I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Heme the Hunter? Why,     now is Cupid a child of conscience; he makes restitution.     As I am a true spirit, welcome!           [A noise of horns]   MRS. PAGE. Alas, what noise?   MRS. FORD. Heaven forgive our sins!   FALSTAFF. What should this be?   MRS. FORD. } Away, away.   MRS. PAGE. } Away, away.                        [They run off]   FALSTAFF. I think the devil will not have me damn'd, lest the     oil that's in me should set hell on fire; he would never else     cross me thus.          Enter SIR HUGH EVANS like a satyr, ANNE PAGE as       a fairy, and OTHERS as the Fairy Queen, fairies, and                Hobgoblin; all with tapers    FAIRY QUEEN. Fairies, black, grey, green, and white,     You moonshine revellers, and shades of night,     You orphan heirs of fixed destiny,     Attend your office and your quality.     Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.   PUCK. Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys.     Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap;     Where fires thou find'st unrak'd, and hearths unswept,     There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry;     Our radiant Queen hates sluts and sluttery.   FALSTAFF. They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die.     I'll wink and couch; no man their works must eye.                                        [Lies down upon his face]   EVANS. Where's Pede? Go you, and where you find a maid     That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said,     Raise up the organs of her fantasy     Sleep she as sound as careless infancy;     But those as sleep and think not on their sins,     Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and shins.   FAIRY QUEEN. About, about;     Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out;     Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room,     That it may stand till the perpetual doom     In state as wholesome as in state 'tis fit,     Worthy the owner and the owner it.     The several chairs of order look you scour     With juice of balm and every precious flower;     Each fair instalment, coat, and sev'ral crest,     With loyal blazon, evermore be blest!     And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing,     Like to the Garter's compass, in a ring;     Th' expressure that it bears, green let it be,     More fertile-fresh than all the field to see;     And 'Honi soit qui mal y pense' write     In em'rald tufts, flow'rs purple, blue and white;     Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery,     Buckled below fair knighthood's bending knee.     Fairies use flow'rs for their charactery.     Away, disperse; but till 'tis one o'clock,     Our dance of custom round about the oak     Of Herne the Hunter let us not forget.   EVANS. Pray you, lock hand in hand; yourselves in order set;     And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be,     To guide our measure round about the tree.     But, stay. I smell a man of middle earth.   FALSTAFF. Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest he     transform me to a piece of cheese!   PUCK. Vile worm, thou wast o'erlook'd even in thy birth.   FAIRY QUEEN. With trial-fire touch me his finger-end;     If he be chaste, the flame will back descend,     And turn him to no pain; but if he start,     It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.   PUCK. A trial, come.   EVANS. Come, will this wood take fire?              [They put the tapers to his fingers, and he starts]   FALSTAFF. Oh, oh, oh!   FAIRY QUEEN. Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire!     About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme;     And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.   THE SONG.     Fie on sinful fantasy!     Fie on lust and luxury!     Lust is but a bloody fire,     Kindled with unchaste desire,     Fed in heart, whose flames aspire,     As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher.     Pinch him, fairies, mutually;     Pinch him for his villainy;     Pinch him and burn him and turn him about,     Till candles and star-light and moonshine be out.          During this song they pinch FALSTAFF. DOCTOR         CAIUS comes one way, and steals away a fairy in         green; SLENDER another way, and takes off a fairy in         white; and FENTON steals away ANNE PAGE. A noise         of hunting is heard within. All the fairies run away.         FALSTAFF pulls off his buck's head, and rises         Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and                         SIR HUGH EVANS    PAGE. Nay, do not fly; I think we have watch'd you now.     Will none but Heme the Hunter serve your turn?   MRS. PAGE. I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.     Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?     See you these, husband? Do not these fair yokes     Become the forest better than the town?   FORD. Now, sir, who's a cuckold now? Master Brook,     Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here are his horns,     Master Brook; and, Master Brook, he hath enjoyed nothing of     Ford's but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds     of money, which must be paid to Master Brook; his horses     are arrested for it, Master Brook.   MRS. FORD. Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could never     meet. I will never take you for my love again; but I will     always count you my deer.   FALSTAFF. I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.   FORD. Ay, and an ox too; both the proofs are extant.   FALSTAFF. And these are not fairies? I was three or four     times in the thought they were not fairies; and yet the     guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of my powers,     drove the grossness of the foppery into a receiv'd belief,     in despite of the teeth of all rhyme and reason, that they     were fairies. See now how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent     when 'tis upon ill employment.   EVANS. Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your desires,     and fairies will not pinse you.   FORD. Well said, fairy Hugh.   EVANS. And leave you your jealousies too, I pray you.   FORD. I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou art able     to woo her in good English.   FALSTAFF. Have I laid my brain in the sun, and dried it, that     it wants matter to prevent so gross, o'er-reaching as this?     Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? Shall I have a cox-comb     of frieze? 'Tis time I were chok'd with a piece of     toasted cheese.   EVANS. Seese is not good to give putter; your belly is all     putter.   FALSTAFF. 'Seese' and 'putter'! Have I liv'd to stand at the     taunt of one that makes fritters of English? This is enough     to be the decay of lust and late-walking through the realm.   MRS. PAGE. Why, Sir John, do you think, though we would     have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the head and     shoulders, and have given ourselves without scruple to hell,     that ever the devil could have made you our delight?   FORD. What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax?   MRS. PAGE. A puff'd man?   PAGE. Old, cold, wither'd, and of intolerable entrails?   FORD. And one that is as slanderous as Satan?   PAGE. And as poor as Job?   FORD. And as wicked as his wife?   EVANS. And given to fornications, and to taverns, and sack,     and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings, and swearings,     and starings, pribbles and prabbles?   FALSTAFF. Well, I am your theme; you have the start of me;     I am dejected; I am not able to answer the Welsh flannel;     ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me; use me as you will.   FORD. Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor, to one Master     Brook, that you have cozen'd of money, to whom you     should have been a pander. Over and above that you have     suffer'd, I think to repay that money will be a biting     affliction.   PAGE. Yet be cheerful, knight; thou shalt eat a posset     tonight at my house, where I will desire thee to laugh at my     wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her Master Slender hath     married her daughter.   MRS. PAGE.  [Aside]  Doctors doubt that; if Anne Page be     my daughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius' wife.                          Enter SLENDER    SLENDER. Whoa, ho, ho, father Page!   PAGE. Son, how now! how now, son! Have you dispatch'd'?   SLENDER. Dispatch'd! I'll make the best in Gloucestershire     know on't; would I were hang'd, la, else!   PAGE. Of what, son?   SLENDER. I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne     Page, and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not been i'     th' church, I would have swing'd him, or he should have     swing'd me. If I did not think it had been Anne Page,     would I might never stir!-and 'tis a postmaster's boy.   PAGE. Upon my life, then, you took the wrong.   SLENDER. What need you tell me that? I think so, when I     took a boy for a girl. If I had been married to him, for all     he was in woman's apparel, I would not have had him.   PAGE. Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you how     you should know my daughter by her garments?   SLENDER. I went to her in white and cried 'mum' and she     cried 'budget' as Anne and I had appointed; and yet it was     not Anne, but a postmaster's boy.   MRS. PAGE. Good George, be not angry. I knew of your     purpose; turn'd my daughter into green; and, indeed, she     is now with the Doctor at the dean'ry, and there married.                           Enter CAIUS    CAIUS. Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened; I ha'     married un garcon, a boy; un paysan, by gar, a boy; it is     not Anne Page; by gar, I am cozened.   MRS. PAGE. Why, did you take her in green?   CAIUS. Ay, be gar, and 'tis a boy; be gar, I'll raise all     Windsor.                                          Exit CAIUS   FORD. This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne?   PAGE. My heart misgives me; here comes Master Fenton.                    Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE      How now, Master Fenton!   ANNE. Pardon, good father. Good my mother, pardon.   PAGE. Now, Mistress, how chance you went not with Master     Slender?   MRS. PAGE. Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid?   FENTON. You do amaze her. Hear the truth of it.     You would have married her most shamefully,     Where there was no proportion held in love.     The truth is, she and I, long since contracted,     Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us.     Th' offence is holy that she hath committed;     And this deceit loses the name of craft,     Of disobedience, or unduteous title,     Since therein she doth evitate and shun     A thousand irreligious cursed hours,     Which forced marriage would have brought upon her.   FORD. Stand not amaz'd; here is no remedy.     In love, the heavens themselves do guide the state;     Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.   FALSTAFF. I am glad, though you have ta'en a special stand     to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanc'd.   PAGE. Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy!     What cannot be eschew'd must be embrac'd.   FALSTAFF. When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chas'd.   MRS. PAGE. Well, I will muse no further. Master Fenton,     Heaven give you many, many merry days!     Good husband, let us every one go home,     And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire;     Sir John and all.   FORD. Let it be so. Sir John,     To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word;     For he, to-night, shall lie with Mistress Ford.       Exeunt  THE END