SCENE 3.  FORD'S house  Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE    MRS. FORD. What, John! what, Robert!   MRS. PAGE. Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket-   MRS. FORD. I warrant. What, Robin, I say!                   Enter SERVANTS with a basket    MRS. PAGE. Come, come, come.   MRS. FORD. Here, set it down.   MRS. PAGE. Give your men the charge; we must be brief.   MRS. FORD. Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be     ready here hard by in the brew-house; and when I suddenly     call you, come forth, and, without any pause or     staggering, take this basket on your shoulders. That done,     trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters     in Datchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch     close by the Thames side.   Mrs. PAGE. You will do it?   MRS. FORD. I ha' told them over and over; they lack no     direction. Be gone, and come when you are call'd.                                                Exeunt SERVANTS   MRS. PAGE. Here comes little Robin.                           Enter ROBIN    MRS. FORD. How now, my eyas-musket, what news with     you?   ROBIN. My Master Sir John is come in at your back-door,     Mistress Ford, and requests your company.   MRS. PAGE. You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?   ROBIN. Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your     being here, and hath threat'ned to put me into everlasting     liberty, if I tell you of it; for he swears he'll turn me away.   MRS. PAGE. Thou 'rt a good boy; this secrecy of thine shall     be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and     hose. I'll go hide me.   MRS. FORD. Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.  [Exit   ROBIN]  Mistress Page, remember you your cue.   MRS. PAGE. I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.                                                 Exit MRS. PAGE   MRS. FORD. Go to, then; we'll use this unwholesome     humidity, this gross wat'ry pumpion; we'll teach him to     know turtles from jays.                        Enter FALSTAFF    FALSTAFF. Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?     Why, now let me die, for I have liv'd long enough; this is     the period of my ambition. O this blessed hour!   MRS. FORD. O sweet Sir John!   FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,     Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish; I would thy     husband were dead; I'll speak it before the best lord, I     would make thee my lady.   MRS. FORD. I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be a pitiful     lady.   FALSTAFF. Let the court of France show me such another. I     see how thine eye would emulate the diamond; thou hast     the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the     ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance.   MRS. FORD. A plain kerchief, Sir John; my brows become     nothing else, nor that well neither.   FALSTAFF. By the Lord, thou art a tyrant to say so; thou     wouldst make an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of     thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a     semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune     thy foe were, not Nature, thy friend. Come, thou canst not     hide it.   MRS. FORD. Believe me, there's no such thing in me.   FALSTAFF. What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee     there's something extra-ordinary in thee. Come, I cannot     cog, and say thou art this and that, like a many of these     lisping hawthorn-buds that come like women in men's     apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple time; I     cannot; but I love thee, none but thee; and thou deserv'st it.   MRS. FORD. Do not betray me, sir; I fear you love Mistress     Page.   FALSTAFF. Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the     Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a     lime-kiln.   MRS. FORD. Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you     shall one day find it.   FALSTAFF. Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it.   MRS. FORD. Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could     not be in that mind.   ROBIN.  [Within]  Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's     Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking     wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.   FALSTAFF. She shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind     the arras.   MRS. FORD. Pray you, do so; she's a very tattling woman.                                       [FALSTAFF hides himself]                 Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN      What's the matter? How now!   MRS. PAGE. O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're     sham'd, y'are overthrown, y'are undone for ever.   MRS. FORD. What's the matter, good Mistress Page?   MRS. PAGE. O well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an honest     man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!   MRS. FORD. What cause of suspicion?   MRS. PAGE. What cause of suspicion? Out upon you, how     am I mistook in you!   MRS. FORD. Why, alas, what's the matter?   MRS. PAGE. Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all     the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he     says is here now in the house, by your consent, to take an     ill advantage of his absence. You are undone.   MRS. FORD. 'Tis not so, I hope.   MRS. PAGE. Pray heaven it be not so that you have such a     man here; but 'tis most certain your husband's coming,     with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I     come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why,     I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey,     convey him out. Be not amaz'd; call all your senses to you;     defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life     for ever.   MRS. FORD. What shall I do? There is a gentleman, my dear     friend; and I fear not mine own shame as much as his peril.     I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the     house.   MRS. PAGE. For shame, never stand 'you had rather' and 'you     had rather'! Your husband's here at hand; bethink you of     some conveyance; in the house you cannot hide him. O,     how have you deceiv'd me! Look, here is a basket; if he be     of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw     foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking, or-it is     whiting-time-send him by your two men to Datchet     Mead.   MRS. FORD. He's too big to go in there. What shall I do?   FALSTAFF.  [Coming forward]  Let me see 't, let me see 't. O,     let me see 't! I'll in, I'll in; follow your friend's counsel;     I'll in.   MRS. PAGE. What, Sir John Falstaff!      [Aside to FALSTAFF]     Are these your letters, knight?   FALSTAFF.  [Aside to MRS. PAGE]  I love thee and none but     thee; help me away.-Let me creep in here; I'll never-     [Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen]   MRS. PAGE. Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men,     Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!   MRS. FORD. What, John! Robert! John!                Exit ROBIN                   Re-enter SERVANTS      Go, take up these clothes here, quickly; where's the     cowl-staff? Look how you drumble. Carry them to the laundress     in Datchet Mead; quickly, come.           Enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS    FORD. Pray you come near. If I suspect without cause, why     then make sport at me, then let me be your jest; I deserve     it. How now, whither bear you this?   SERVANT. To the laundress, forsooth.   MRS. FORD. Why, what have you to do whither they bear it?     You were best meddle with buck-washing.   FORD. Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck!     Buck, buck, buck! ay, buck! I warrant you, buck; and of     the season too, it shall appear.  [Exeunt SERVANTS with     basket]  Gentlemen, I have dream'd to-night; I'll tell you my     dream. Here, here, here be my keys; ascend my chambers,     search, seek, find out. I'll warrant we'll unkennel the fox.     Let me stop this way first.  [Locking the door]  So, now     uncape.   PAGE. Good Master Ford, be contented; you wrong yourself     too much.   FORD. True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen, you shall see sport     anon; follow me, gentlemen.                             Exit   EVANS. This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.   CAIUS. By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous     in France.   PAGE. Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his     search.                        Exeunt EVANS, PAGE, and CAIUS   MRS. PAGE. Is there not a double excellency in this?   MRS. FORD. I know not which pleases me better, that my     husband is deceived, or Sir John.   MRS. PAGE. What a taking was he in when your husband     ask'd who was in the basket!   MRS. FORD. I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so     throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.   MRS. PAGE. Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the     same strain were in the same distress.   MRS. FORD. I think my husband hath some special suspicion     of Falstaff's being here, for I never saw him so gross in his     jealousy till now.   MRS. PAGE. I Will lay a plot to try that, and we will yet have     more tricks with Falstaff. His dissolute disease will scarce     obey this medicine.   MRS. FORD. Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress     Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water,     and give him another hope, to betray him to another     punishment?   MRS. PAGE. We will do it; let him be sent for to-morrow     eight o'clock, to have amends.         Re-enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS    FORD. I cannot find him; may be the knave bragg'd of that     he could not compass.   MRS. PAGE.  [Aside to MRS. FORD]  Heard you that?   MRS. FORD. You use me well, Master Ford, do you?   FORD. Ay, I do so.   MRS. FORD. Heaven make you better than your thoughts!   FORD. Amen.   MRS. PAGE. You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.   FORD. Ay, ay; I must bear it.   EVANS. If there be any pody in the house, and in the     chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive     my sins at the day of judgment!   CAIUS. Be gar, nor I too; there is no bodies.   PAGE. Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not asham'd? What     spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha'     your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor     Castle.   FORD. 'Tis my fault, Master Page; I suffer for it.   EVANS. You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is as     honest a omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five     hundred too.   CAIUS. By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman.   FORD. Well, I promis'd you a dinner. Come, come, walk in     the Park. I pray you pardon me; I will hereafter make     known to you why I have done this. Come, wife, come,     Mistress Page; I pray you pardon me; pray heartly,     pardon me.   PAGE. Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock him.     I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house to breakfast;     after, we'll a-birding together; I have a fine hawk for     the bush. Shall it be so?   FORD. Any thing.   EVANS. If there is one, I shall make two in the company.   CAIUS. If there be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.   FORD. Pray you go, Master Page.   EVANS. I pray you now, remembrance to-morrow on the     lousy knave, mine host.   CAIUS. Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart.   EVANS. A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!                                                           Exeunt     SCENE 4.  Before PAGE'S house  Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE    FENTON. I see I cannot get thy father's love;     Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan.   ANNE. Alas, how then?   FENTON. Why, thou must be thyself.     He doth object I am too great of birth;     And that, my state being gall'd with my expense,     I seek to heal it only by his wealth.     Besides these, other bars he lays before me,     My riots past, my wild societies;     And tells me 'tis a thing impossible     I should love thee but as a property.   ANNE.. May be he tells you true.   FENTON. No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!     Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth     Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne;     Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value     Than stamps in gold, or sums in sealed bags;     And 'tis the very riches of thyself     That now I aim at.   ANNE. Gentle Master Fenton,     Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir.     If opportunity and humblest suit     Cannot attain it, why then-hark you hither.                                            [They converse apart]          Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLY    SHALLOW. Break their talk, Mistress Quickly; my kinsman     shall speak for himself.   SLENDER. I'll make a shaft or a bolt on 't; 'slid, 'tis but     venturing.   SHALLOW. Be not dismay'd.   SLENDER. No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for that,     but that I am afeard.   QUICKLY. Hark ye, Master Slender would speak a word     with you.   ANNE. I come to him.  [Aside]  This is my father's choice.     O, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults     Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year!   QUICKLY. And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a     word with you.   SHALLOW. She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a     father!   SLENDER. I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell     you good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne     the jest how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good     uncle.   SHALLOW. Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you.   SLENDER. Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in     Gloucestershire.   SHALLOW. He will maintain you like a gentlewoman.   SLENDER. Ay, that I will come cut and longtail, under the     degree of a squire.   SHALLOW. He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds     jointure.   ANNE. Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself.   SHALLOW. Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that     good comfort. She calls you, coz; I'll leave you.   ANNE. Now, Master Slender-   SLENDER. Now, good Mistress Anne-   ANNE. What is your will?   SLENDER. My Will! 'Od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest     indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I am not     such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise.   ANNE. I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me?   SLENDER. Truly, for mine own part I would little or nothing     with you. Your father and my uncle hath made motions;     if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole! They     can tell you how things go better than I can. You may ask     your father; here he comes.              Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE    PAGE. Now, Master Slender! Love him, daughter Anne-     Why, how now, what does Master Fenton here?     You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house.     I told you, sir, my daughter is dispos'd of.   FENTON. Nay, Master Page, be not impatient.   MRS. PAGE. Good Master Fenton, come not to my child.   PAGE. She is no match for you.   FENTON. Sir, will you hear me?   PAGE. No, good Master Fenton.     Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender; in.     Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.                                Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER   QUICKLY. Speak to Mistress Page.   FENTON. Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter     In such a righteous fashion as I do,     Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners,     I must advance the colours of my love,     And not retire. Let me have your good will.   ANNE. Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool.   MRS. PAGE. I mean it not; I seek you a better husband.   QUICKLY. That's my master, Master Doctor.   ANNE. Alas, I had rather be set quick i' th' earth.     And bowl'd to death with turnips.   MRS. PAGE. Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master     Fenton,     I will not be your friend, nor enemy;     My daughter will I question how she loves you,     And as I find her, so am I affected;     Till then, farewell, sir; she must needs go in;     Her father will be angry.   FENTON. Farewell, gentle mistress; farewell, Nan.                                        Exeunt MRS. PAGE and ANNE   QUICKLY. This is my doing now: 'Nay,' said I 'will you cast     away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on     Master Fenton.' This is my doing.   FENTON. I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night     Give my sweet Nan this ring. There's for thy pains.   QUICKLY. Now Heaven send thee good fortune!  [Exit     FENTON]  A kind heart he hath; a woman would run through     fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I would my     master had Mistress Anne; or I would Master Slender had     her; or, in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her; I will     do what I can for them all three, for so I have promis'd,     and I'll be as good as my word; but speciously for Master     Fenton. Well, I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff     from my two mistresses. What a beast am I to slack it!  Exit     SCENE 5.  The Garter Inn  Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH    FALSTAFF. Bardolph, I say!   BARDOLPH. Here, sir.   FALSTAFF. Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in 't.                                                    Exit BARDOLPH     Have I liv'd to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of     butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if     I be serv'd such another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out     and butter'd, and give them to a dog for a new-year's gift.     The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse     as they would have drown'd a blind bitch's puppies, fifteen     i' th' litter; and you may know by my size that I have     a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as     hell I should down. I had been drown'd but that the shore     was shelvy and shallow-a death that I abhor; for the water     swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when     had been swell'd! I should have been a mountain of     mummy.                    Re-enter BARDOLPH, with sack    BARDOLPH. Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you   FALSTAFF. Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames     water; for my belly's as cold as if I had swallow'd     snowballs for pills to cool the reins. Call her in.   BARDOLPH. Come in, woman.                       Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY    QUICKLY. By your leave; I cry you mercy. Give your     worship good morrow.   FALSTAFF. Take away these chalices. Go, brew me a pottle     of sack finely.   BARDOLPH. With eggs, sir?   FALSTAFF. Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my     brewage.  [Exit BARDOLPH]  How now!   QUICKLY. Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress     Ford.   FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was     thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford.   QUICKLY. Alas the day, good heart, that was not her fault!     She does so take on with her men; they mistook their     erection.   FALSTAFF. So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's     promise.   QUICKLY. Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn     your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning     a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her between     eight and nine; I must carry her word quickly. She'll make     you amends, I warrant you.   FALSTAFF. Well, I Will visit her. Tell her so; and bid her     think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty, and then     judge of my merit.   QUICKLY. I will tell her.   FALSTAFF. Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou?   QUICKLY. Eight and nine, sir.   FALSTAFF. Well, be gone; I will not miss her.   QUICKLY. Peace be with you, sir.                          Exit   FALSTAFF. I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me     word to stay within. I like his money well. O, here he     comes.                         Enter FORD disguised    FORD. Bless you, sir!   FALSTAFF. Now, Master Brook, you come to know what     hath pass'd between me and Ford's wife?   FORD. That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.   FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will not lie to you; I was at her     house the hour she appointed me.   FORD. And sped you, sir?   FALSTAFF. Very ill-favouredly, Master Brook.   FORD. How so, sir; did she change her determination?   FALSTAFF. No. Master Brook; but the peaking cornuto her     husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual 'larum of     jealousy, comes me in the instant of our, encounter, after     we had embrac'd, kiss'd, protested, and, as it were, spoke     the prologue of our comedy; and at his heels a rabble of his     companions, thither provoked and instigated by his     distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for his wife's     love.   FORD. What, while you were there?   FALSTAFF. While I was there.   FORD. And did he search for you, and could not find you?   FALSTAFF. You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes     in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of Ford's approach;     and, in her invention and Ford's wife's distraction, they     convey'd me into a buck-basket.   FORD. A buck-basket!   FALSTAFF. By the Lord, a buck-basket! Ramm'd me in with     foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy     napkins, that, Master Brook, there was the rankest compound     of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.   FORD. And how long lay you there?   FALSTAFF. Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have     suffer'd to bring this woman to evil for your good. Being     thus cramm'd in the basket, a couple of Ford's knaves, his     hinds, were call'd forth by their mistress to carry me in     the name of foul clothes to Datchet Lane; they took me on     their shoulders; met the jealous knave their master in the     door; who ask'd them once or twice what they had in their     basket. I quak'd for fear lest the lunatic knave would have     search'd it; but Fate, ordaining he should be a cuckold,     held his hand. Well, on went he for a search, and away     went I for foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master     Brook-I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first,     an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous rotten     bell-wether; next, to be compass'd like a good bilbo in the     circumference of a peck, hilt to point, heel to head; and     then, to be stopp'd in, like a strong distillation, with     stinking clothes that fretted in their own grease. Think of that     -a man of my kidney. Think of that-that am as subject to     heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw. It     was a miracle to scape suffocation. And in the height of     this bath, when I was more than half-stew'd in grease, like     a Dutch dish, to be thrown into the Thames, and cool'd,     glowing hot, in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of that     -hissing hot. Think of that, Master Brook.   FORD. In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that for my sake you     have suffer'd all this. My suit, then, is desperate;     you'll undertake her no more.   FALSTAFF. Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I     have been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her     husband is this morning gone a-birding; I have received from     her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nine is     the hour, Master Brook.   FORD. 'Tis past eight already, sir.   FALSTAFF. Is it? I Will then address me to my appointment.     Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall     know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be crowned     with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall have her, Master     Brook; Master Brook, you shall cuckold Ford.            Exit   FORD. Hum! ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I sleep?     Master Ford, awake; awake, Master Ford. There's a hole     made in your best coat, Master Ford. This 'tis to be     married; this 'tis to have linen and buck-baskets! Well, I will     proclaim myself what I am; I will now take the lecher; he     is at my house. He cannot scape me; 'tis impossible he     should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse nor into     a pepper box. But, lest the devil that guides him should aid     him, I will search impossible places. Though what I am I     cannot avoid, yet to be what I would not shall not make     me tame. If I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb     go with me-I'll be horn mad.                            Exit